The Waves of Mental Health

Catch the Waves.... the entire name of this blog is based of the healing journey and the battle of mental health. Healing is not linear as we have all heard 1,000 times. It has up's and down's, the occasional "crash", but we do our best to go with the flow, or as I like to think of it, catching the waves.

However, it can be so difficult at times. For example, if you have been on such an upward trajectory in your healing journey, doing the work, exercising your skills, and it begins to crash like ocean waves against the sand, it can be defeating. For me, it's the why? Why now, why again am I feeling this way, why do I continually find myself feeling so down, depressed and anxiety ridden? Especially, after I have been riding a nice wave without crashing for awhile. Yes, I know we all have different triggers, and those can happen at anytime, without a specific rhyme or reason which can cause us to lose balance and throw us into the ocean.

It can be difficult to narrow down the triggers, or the specific trigger that is leading us to an upcoming crash. For me, I know part of my triggers is getting overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed, or have too many things happening around me, my mind starts to shut down. I have been fighting this wave crashing for awhile, and I think I am finally reaching a crashing point. I'm sure overwhelm has a part to play in it, but over the last week, I have been able to slow my life down, get things in order, and work on my the amount I was overwhelmed. The issue - it is not helping me with the feeling that everything is crashing down around me. I can't pinpoint what might be triggering the excess depression and anxiety right now, and boy, do I wish I could.

As side from fighting falling into a complete tail spin of depression and anxiety mentally, the physical sensation that is carried can feel just as bad - if not worse. It can be debilitating. The constant battle to do something, anything, when your mind and body have zero desire to, or the constant pressure built up in your chest, like a weight crushing it. The physical sensations make it even harder to fight against the crash.

The thing is, I don't know why or how I keep ending up in this spot. I should be happy, grateful, excited, not anxious, and on the brink of a spiral. I have so many positive things around I am trying to be mindful of. A new house, an amazing dog, who is my very best friend, incredible friends around me, yet - those thoughts aren't helping change the way I feel inside. They aren't helping the absolute crushing weight I am so desperately fighting against. I learned a long time ago, material items do not bring us happiness, and I understand that, but truly, I should be so proud of where I am and how far I have come. Even though I can recognize those items, and try and be grateful for everything I have in front of me, I can't help feel my self sinking deeper and deeper by the day. Here comes the why again, why do I always end up back here? Why can't I stay riding the positive waves of life, vs the turbulent ones that come during a storm.

In the moments where we feel the waves crashing, or we feel ourselves sinking deeper and deeper, try to remember it doesn't last forever. That is what I have been using to help stay afloat, remembering, it won't feel this dark and crushing forever. I will come out of it, I will ride another wave of positivity and happiness, I don't know when that will be, but I know at some point, I will stop crashing down. It's inevitable.

⎻ H.M. Jackson